Wondering Why
by Misha
Summary: For the second time he watched the woman he loved bind herself to another man and couldn't help but wonder why.


Wondering Why   
By Misha 

Disclaimer- I don't own the characters of the "West Wing" they belong to Aaron Sorkin, NBC, and probably a few other people. I'm using the characters without permission, but since I am not making money off of this story, please do not sue me. 

Author's Notes- Okay, I decided to give the challenge posted at the "JedBartlet-DonnaMoss" group another try. This one is more what the person who posted it had in mind--someone else angsting as Jed and Donna get married. It's told from Sam's PoV and set in the future. I adore Sam/Donna angst, besides it fit with the idea I had in my mind and the way that I was able to get around my Josh/Donna shipperness. Like the other one, it's really angsty. Well, that's all for now, enjoy! 

Spoilers- Nothing, really. 

Pairing- Jed/Donna, Sam/Donna, a tiny bit of Josh/Donna. 

Rating- PG-13 

_

I'm on a champagne high.   
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?   
On a champagne high.   
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie.   
On a champagne high - high.

_   
- Champagne High, Sister Hazel 

This is wrong. 

That's the thought that sticks out the most in my mind as I watch them say their vows. 

Yet, strangely, deep down, I know that it's right. That despite the differences in their ages, they love one another. 

That's what hurts me the most. She loves him, like she loved Josh, like she never loved me. 

I know that to her, I was just a moment of madness. A defence mechanism in the wake of her husband's tragic heart attack. 

She needed me to wash away the grief, to give her something to cling to, but after a while, she was able to move on. 

To _him_ of all people. To an aging former President, who lost his wife several years ago. 

Abby died a year after we won reelection; Josh died the year after we left office. 

He and Donna had only been married for a little over four years, they had a son and a baby daughter. 

It was after Josh died and Donna turned to me, that I realized that I always loved her. But I never acted on it, because she was always Josh's, even if he didn't always know it. 

I probably shouldn't have acted on my feelings later, when she was his widow. 

But I couldn't help it. I loved her, as I've always loved her, as I love her now, even as I watch her once again marry someone else. 

Believe it or not, our sexual relationship ended on good terms. I loved her and it broke my heart to realize that she would never love me, but I accepted it. 

I let her go, never letting her know how much I loved her. I saw no point, since I knew that she'd never love me the way I loved her. 

So, we went back to being friends, our brief attempt at something else pushed aside as if it had never existed. But it had, to me. 

Ironically, I was the first to know when this started. When President Bartlett, Jed, became more than a friend and a sort of father figure to Donna. When she started to fall in love with him. 

She told me when they started dating a year ago, almost three years after Josh's death. 

It didn't bother Donna that he was in his mid-sixties when she was only in her mid-thirties. Age had never mattered to her, after all Josh had been thirteen years older than her. 

Still, thirteen is a lot different than thirty, but that didn't matter to her. Nor to him. 

To them, they're just two adults who have been friends for years and were lucky enough to find love for the second time in each of their lives. To find happiness again after each suffering a tragic loss. 

I see that love so clearly now on both of their faces as I watch them being pronounced husband and wife.   
* * * * * 

I go to the reception, even though I don't really want to. But I know that I have to. 

No one can know how much this is killing me. No one knows how I feel and I want to keep it that way. 

Still it's hard to watch Donna with her new husband. Watch the way they look one another, watch them kiss, watch them dance in one another's arms. 

The worst part is having to toast to their future, while knowing that it's a lie. I don't wish them well, I don't want them to be happy. Yet, I know they will be. 

They do love each other. I can see that. I can see it in her eyes. He makes her glow the way Josh did, the way I never could. 

Still, despite my pain, I force a smile and dance with her, like I did years ago when she married my best friend. Accepting once more, that she belongs to another man. 

The only time that I speak the truth today, is when I tell her that Josh is looking down at her and smiling. 

There are slight tears as she thanks me for saying that. 

It is the truth. Josh would be happy today. He loved her so much and he would her to be happy without him. 

I wish I could say the same thing about myself, but I can't. But, then Josh got what I never did--the chance to love her and know that that love was returned full force. 

After our dance is over, I return to my table and down another glass if champagne as I watch her return to her new husband's side. 

I need the high that it gives me to make it through this day with a smile; to hide from the world the fact that my heart is breaking in a thousand pieces. 

That all I can think about is why wasn't it me? 

The End 


End file.
